Guano Diplomacy: My New Role as Ambassador of the Penguin Nation

Larry Peters, July 8, 2025

“Moments after being unanimously appointed by the penguin council.”

Yesterday, in a solemn ceremony attended entirely by Emperor and Gentoo penguins (and one rogue sea lion who was promptly escorted off by an angry puffin), I was officially appointed as the first-ever Ambassador to the United States for Heard and McDonald Islands. There were no grand speeches and no long winded and ego driven comments.

Penguins aren’t big on oration. The enthusiastic flipper claps and synchronized head bobs left little doubt: the birds had reached an overwhelming and unanimous consensus. I, Larry Peters am their chosen one!

The islands are located in the farthest-flung corner of the South Pacific. They are known for three things. The island and its approximate 2 million residents (latest census figures are from 2023), are completely uninhabited by any humans. The climate is aggressively cold and citizens live in blissful ignorance of global politics.

Or at least they used to.

You see, our penguin centric economy is simple. As the official ambassador to the United States, I can say with a great deal of confidence that we produce exactly one export: “penguin guano” also known in the highly sophisticated and competitive organic fertilizer industry as, “poop”.  This is not to be confused with most politicians that are recognized with a designation similar to poop but has sounds more like “sit” and is not spoken of in polite company!

Rich in nitrogen and often described by guano sommeliers as "surprisingly robust with hints of anchovy," our export advantage is nature’s answer to overpriced synthetic fertilizers.

Our main customer? A Vermont compost co-op that ordered a single bag in 2016 and payment is in arrears. Unfortunately; that same Vermont co-op still owes us $79.95 plus tariffs, brokerage fees and transportation costs. We have assigned his outstanding invoice to a well-known collections agency and it is our understanding that the co-op has acknowledged their obligation and in lieu of US dollars or bitcoin, we will receive 50 kg’s of krill.

Enter President Trump and his new tariff strategy.

In a move that will go down in economic history alongside the Smoot-Hawley Act and that time Canada tried to protect its maple syrup reserves, the Trump administration has imposed sweeping tariffs on imported guano from what it calls "strategic environmental threats." Apparently, the combination of bird droppings and zero human infrastructure was just too suspicious for comfort.

This places our islands firmly in the crosshairs of American trade policy. Our economy, which, to be clear, consists entirely of poop from animals in formalwear, is now subject to a 45% import tariff. This is an Ironic twist to international trade considering we have no port, no customs office, and no idea how that one bag got to Vermont in the first place.

And so, I stand, flippers metaphorically tied, tasked with defending the sanctity of our sovereign guano rights. I have been dispatched (via ice floe) to Washington to plead our case. The penguins, ever the statesmen, have issued a statement through a series of agitated squawks and poop-circle formations: we demand justice. Or herring or krill or a nice juicy squid. Possibly all three! Penguins are the ultimate negotiators as evidenced by our international bestseller book, “The Art of the Meal”.

In my capacity as Ambassador, I will be lobbying Congress to lift the guano tariff, recognize our penguin-led democracy, and perhaps send us a few solar panels and a functioning espresso machine. The espresso machine is a big deal.

But more importantly, I ask the American people: is this really the fight you want to pick? Tariffs on the poop of a flightless bird from an island no one can point to on a map? Have our islands residents not suffered enough? Have the penguins not earned the right to defecate in peace without the long arm of Washington reaching into our snowbanks and melting our ice?

We live in an age where common sense is often the first casualty of political theater. And now, the birds of Heard and McDonald have waddled into the spotlight, not by choice, but by bureaucratic madness.

So let this be my rallying cry: repeal the guano tariffs. Respect the sovereignty of the tuxedoed masses. And for the love of all that is unholy, let us fertilize the earth in peace, freedom and love.

Signed,

Ambassador of the Heard and McDonald Islands, Appointed by unanimous squawk.

Defender of Droppings

Champion of Trade

Honorary Penguin (Pending Naturalization)

Sir Larry Peters – Esquire.

“Official documents proving legitimacy. Still pending naturalization.